Well,we’re two weeks into 2014 and I’ve been just basically laying back and being relatively lazy,so I have to get myself up and quickly write down about which films I loved and hated in 2014.
BEST OF 2014
PACIFIC RIM: Guillermo del Toro lets out his inner love for Japanese sci-fi/monster film with his big budget homage to that very genre,letting it fully embrace the sci-fi nerd within us all.
THE CONJURING: Lots o’ nice scares,and based on a true story(for real).
GRABBERS: Cool Irish sci-fi monster fun,with a nice tough heroine to keep things exciting and tentacle beasts on the loose.
NINJA 2: Scott Adkins,Kane Kosugi,ninjitsu going loose,martial arts mayhem. ‘Nuff Said !!
CHINESE ZODIAC(a.k.a.: ARMOUR OF GOD 3/OPERATION CONDOR 3): Old school Jackie Chan fun,his best film in years.
100 BLOODY ACRES: Fun and gory Australian backwoods horror that’s quite a joy(and a real hoot).
Also noteworthy: MAMA,STOKER,CURSE OF CHUCKY,THE PURGE(even if you can see the twist finale coming a mile away),K-11(cult worthy men’s prison yarn,with the novelty idea of women playing the transsexual males inmates,courtesy of Kristen Stewart’s stepmother[even if I’m not a fan of men’s prison films]),LORDS OF SALEM(Rob Zombie is hit-and-miss[mostly miss],but impresses with this dark and bleak witchcraft tale),THE LAST STAND and BULLET TO THE HEAD(both flopped,box office-wise,but both showed that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone have Still Got It)DARIO ARGENTO’S DRACULA 3-D(super cheesy but very fun,for throw a brick at me for liking it).
MISSED SEEING: YOU’RE NEXT,ESCAPE PLAN,HERE COMES THE DEVIL,THE WORLD’S END(even if I’m not much of a Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Edgar Wright fan),
SO-SO,BUT WELL ACTED: CARRIE 2013
WORST OF 2014
TEXAS CHAINSAW 3-D: The Family(the magic that makes these films click) gets killed off,making Leatherface become both a slasher and the film’s tragic hero(?!?!) at the heartwrenched finale. Gives you a much bigger appreciation for LEATHERFACE:TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3.
AMERICAN MARY: Lameass wannabe horror chic from the Terror Twins(or is that Terror Twits) Jen and Sylvia Soska.
BUTCHER BOYS(a.k.a.: BONEBOYS): Mean spirited and braindead TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE rip-off,with a cannibal Hispanic gang doubling for the Leatherface/Sawyer family and lots of Really Stupid Moments,which(along with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE:THE NEXT GENERATION) shows why Kim Henkel shouldn’t ever be allowed near a movie camera.
SUSHI GIRL: A decent cast(Tony Todd,Mark Hamill,Jeff Fahey,Michael Biehn,Sonny Chiba)all mercilessly collecting a mere paycheck for this abominable torture porn crime noir with a plot twist(featuring a minor character) that comes way too late.
AMONG FRIENDS: Danielle Harris making a bland directing debut with this equally bland tale of bland characters gorily tortured at a dinner table by a Dragon Lady-esque Asian chick with vengeance on her mind. With Jennifer Blanc Biehn(in yet another of her crappy “grindhouse” films),A.J. Bowen(in a really bad wig,and getting castrated),cameos by Michael Biehn and Danielle Harris,and a complete anti-climax(that resolves nothing).
THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO POND: Another crappy Danielle Harris film,with the likes of the Avellan Twins and James Duvall along for the ride into celluloid scuminess,as a group of vacationing friends hack each other up rather than teaming to fight the evil forces that are driving them to do it. Briefly released to theaters in 2009,but released in 2013 to pollute video store shelves,alongside the equally crappy ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LOVE.
NO ONE LIVES: CM Punk wisely turned down the role of a ruthless serial killer who’s actually the hero fighting(and hacking apart) a backwoods family. Lots of really annoying characters and sheer stupidity left and right(despite a cool gore gag on our hero hiding inside the corpse of Brodus Clay),leaving no one entertained and showing that even the director of VERSUS is out for a mere paycheck.
STITCHES: Killer ghost clown stalking annoying Irish teen characters,leading to no entertainment values. Even a good gory castration death(of a super obnoxious character) is badly wasted as a dream sequence.
GALLOWWALKER: Wesley Snipes(before his prison stint) vs. hellbound demons and ghouls in this super dreary western horror yarn that was once intended for Chow Yun Fat,who dropped out(showing he’s got taste).
BYZANTIUM: Brooding,moppy teen vampire yearns to escape her vampire lifestyle,without no merits(despite finding true love). Bloody but boring vampire yarn(with a sharp thumbnail replacing fangs) from Neil Jordan(who’s seen far better days).
AMBUSHED: this Dolph Lundgren/Randy Couture mash-up was lame and boring,giving Lundgren almost nothing to do and having a despicably unlikeable supporting character as the lead.
ALIEN UPRISING(a.k.a.: UFO): cool spaceship FX don’t salvage this talky and boring invasion yarn(with a really dumb finale) that has the humans rioting,looting,and acting crazy(and not much alien action),with Bianca Bree(Van Damme),Simon Brosnan(Pierce’s son),and Jean Claude Van Damme(Bianca’s Dad) in a semi-cameo.
ANTIVIRAL(extremely lame debut from David Cronenberg’s son), FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMY(cool looking metallic zombie creations but a lame plot and that ever annoying “found footage” subgenre sinks it), SLEEP TIGHT(dreary Spanish thriller),
WARM BODIES(supernatural romance aimed at the zombie crowd),WORLD WAR Z(Brad Pitt and PG-13 zombie ?! Give me a fucking break !!!),I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2(the remake was terrible enough),HATCHET 3,INSIDIOUS:CHAPTER 2,KICKASS 2(all three films’ previous entries Mightily Sucked)
That’s all for the genre cinema of 2013…
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